Morning!
A free bottle of wine with EVERY purchase? Try me.
A full bottle? Ooh, I can see you're of a wild, impulsive nature.
I've seen you at work, Auntie. And I've seen YOU with Marina.
Could we come to some arrangement? Of course we can, lad.
What kind of wine? I believe it's elderflower. Oh, home-made wine.
Very OLD home-made wine. I bought it years ago from an old person.
I've had it for ages. It could be past its best.
Never bothers you when it's Marina.
She's only a bit of a slip of a thing.
Oh, come inside, lad. You're a natural buyer.
And underneath all that caution,
you've got a real gift for not being choosy.
Go on!
Great! You've been neglected, but you've found a good home now.
Huh! You'd think only a mother could love a thing like that.
She'll be a great machine! Well, she may have been before the crash.
Crash? What crash? Don't tell me this is wear and tear?
She just needs doing up a bit. I've seen some wrecks in my life,
but even the former Mrs Truelove looked better than this.
I've only just bought it. Wait till I've worked on it.
You BOUGHT it? You mean money changed hands?! Yes.
Somebody didn't pay you to take it off their hands? I know when I'm on a good thing. She was a bargain.
Below market value, was she? Well below. Mmm. Probably stolen.
You're not obliged to say anything... Stolen?!
Anything well below market value is invariably stolen.
I bought it from an auction! Huh! That's dodgy for a start.
Who's going to steal a clapped-out heap like this?!
Carry tha bag, missus? I can manage. Go away.
Why don't we both go away? Thee and me? A fortnight in Venice.
How would YOU afford that? I'd pay thee back summat every week. You're hopeless with money!
Aye, getting it. Spending it, I'm great. All right, forget Venice.
What about a bargain break in my best bedroom? Ohh!
All right, YOUR best bedroom.
I'd sooner have woodworm!
I'll bring some. I need a man in my life like I need pneumonia.
Tha shouldn't be living alone! Supposing tha gets intruders?
Like who? Me. Ohh!
I think I'd better try this before I give any more away.
Do you think it's gone off? That's what you're going to find out.
You're going to be the centrepiece of this experiment. Me? Why ME?
Supposing it doesn't agree with me?
With a face like that, who'll notice the difference? I will.
I'm giving you free drinks here and you're complaining.
You don't know what it tastes like! Such wicked ingratitude! I've treated you like a mother!
And do you know why I do? Because you're like an old woman! Get a glass.
It's probably bad. Bad?! It's not referred to as "bad" in the trade.
In the trade it's known as "mature".
Now, can you remember that? If any customer asks, it's mature.
Well, you'll turn it sour glaring at it. Taste it, man.
Hey... Hey... That's not bad.
I think perhaps I'd better try another one to make sure.
One more. Just the one.
Oh, take that sign down. I can't afford to give this stuff away.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ah, Cleggy!
You look very pleased with yourself.
Oh, Cleggy, some days it's just GOOD to be alive!
Pearl's out, is she? How did you guess?
Call it a neighbour's instinct. Going somewhere, are we?
I just thought I'd have a bicycle ride into the hills. Enjoy nature.
You've always been a nature lover, Howard. I have, Cleggy.
I thought I'd take a bit of lunch - have a picnic. Enjoy the scenery. A breath of fresh air.
Would that be fresh air for one...
or for two?
I wish you wouldn't start these rumours that I'm not on me own.
..I was wondering if I could borrow a couple of wine glasses, Cleggy?
TWO wine glasses?
Well, I like two glasses, just in case one gets dirty.
I mean, we've got glasses of our own, but Pearl notices if they're missing.
So I wondered if you...? Two glasses coming up. You're a pal, Cleggy.
In case one gets dirty(!)
What is it you find so attractive about Nora Batty?
Funny - her husband used to ask me that.
A good lawyer could get you off on the grounds of insanity. Tha didn't do so well with women.
Only the one I married. The rest were fine.
FOOTSTEPS
Hey up, Smiler's had a few. I didn't know he was a big drinker.
Well, he never was a little 'un, was he?
Hey up, steady on, old lad. Having some footwork difficulty, Smiler?
I've got to deliver a message... to Bora Natty. Bora Natty, is it?
Sound Romanian to me. You should have turned right at Yugoslavia.
I think all his bones are gone. What's tha been drinking, Smiler?
I've...I've only had two glasses! Auntie Wainwright's home-made wine.
BOTH: Auntie Wainwright's home-made wine?!
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!
What a coincidence! People will never believe it was accidental.
That's because it wasn't. They don't have to know that.
I feel I'm in the hands of a master planner.
Well, I used to be secretary of a darts team.
I'm reminded strongly of General Montgomery.
Did HE play darts?
What are WE going to play?
Where are you taking me, Howard? I thought we'd have a picnic.
Ohhh, Howard!
Just the two of us together! A picnic!
Two glasses? That's what he said. Just two glasses.
Where is he? I don't know. I thought he was mobile again. Ah!
Get up, come on!
What size glasses? Ladylike - dainty.
That's just his legs. Are you sure? Two glasses?
It were Auntie Wainwright. Would she give anybody more than two glasses? He's got a point there.
Oh, heck...I think I'm going to sing.
# Oh, when you're smiling... #
He is, he's going to sing. Get him off the street.
# When you're smiling When you're smiling... #
By, he's in some pain!
# When you're smiling When you're smiling... #
And to make everything complete,
even a bottle of Auntie Wainwright's home-made wine!
Ooh, Howard!
What'll happen if I get light-headed and throw caution to the winds?
I've thought about that.
Me too, Howard.
What we'll do is...
instead of riding our bicycles, we shall WHEEL them.
Will you be all right? I'm just taking the dog for a walk.
But you're not used to dogs, Barry. Well, I'll get used to it.
They're descended from wolves.
We said we'd look after it while they were away. It needs a walk.
Just be careful, Barry.
She got married in white! Can you believe it? White!
Grey would be pushing it. Not even OFF-white?
Ooh, they've got no shame, some people.
She looked nice. Not as pretty as the bridegroom, but nice.
What's wrong with him? Well, apart from his personality,
two glasses of Auntie Wainwright's home-made wine.
They must have fed it straight into a vein.
He needs some strong coffee. Sit him down!
You can't have wobbling like that in here!
I'd have thought he was too slow to get drunk so fast.
Hey...
Bora Natty. I've got a message for you.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
If you don't sit down,
I'VE got a message for YOU!
HORRIBLY OUT OF TUNE: # When you're smiling When you're smiling
# When you're smiling...! #
Oh, unhand me. I'm perfectly capable.
Tha looks it(!) Of course he could be lying.
I'm a hundred surpent better.
Ha-ha!
Hiya, lads!
Come on, then, girl! Come on!
Barry? Follow that dog!
Does it bite? Not at that end.
Hey, stuff this. We need some transport.
WESLEY: What's he been drinking?
BARRY: Just water. Not the dog! He means Smiler.
Auntie Wainwright's home-made wine.
WESLEY: I'm surprised anybody can afford her home-made wine.
She gave it away till she realised it were fit for human consumption.
Is Smiler an adequate test of human consumption? Is that him there?
That's a lamppost, Eli, and it's not on a bicycle.
BARRY: It's not even my dog. I'm just looking after it for a friend.
What sort of a dog is it? A bitch.
I must ring the former Mrs Truelove.
Smiler?!
Drunk as a skunk. On Auntie's home-made wine.
He's usually so sober. Sober? He's usually downright miserable.
He was trying to balance one of my chairs on his chin.
They've no idea what to do with furniture.
Except put their feet on it.
Why do they do that? It's the second most powerful male instinct.
What's the first?
Drink your coffee.
I found it unsettling seeing Smiler not being miserable.
Why was he in your place? They brought him in to sober up.
Doesn't sound like it worked. I can't see him with a chair on his chin. Who brought him in?
Herbert Truelove and him that lives next door to me.
Oh, well, in company like that no wonder he's drunk.
Oh, THEY weren't drunk. Mind you, sober's no different with that lot.
THEY wouldn't be drunk. They've had more practice. I'm glad my Barry's not in company like that.
Oh, they could be in worse company.
How IS Howard? Better than he will be if he doesn't change his habits.
My Barry picks his teeth.
You should see what mine picks.
HE HUMS HAPPILY
Oh, thank heavens! Someone tall and sober.
Can you help me with a gentleman who seems to be drunk? He's a perfect stranger, but he needs assistance.
"WESTERN" ACCENT: If you want help, kid, all you have to do is whistle.
SHE JUST BLOWS
Don't strain your lips, kid. You never know when you need 'em.
Actually, I keep them in working condition.
You could go round the clock with a pair like yours.
Where is he?
I'm afraid he's going to fall.
I've asked him to come down, but he says he laughs at danger.
I know the feeling!
AAAGH!
Is that yours, Eli?
It's a wall. I've never owned a wall.
The bicycle!
He's found me bicycle! Where did you find me bicycle?
Where's the DOG? I daren't go back without the dog.
I'll have to wander round here forever, looking for her. We'll come and see thee every bank holiday.
Don't be impatient, lad. Leave it to Truly of the Yard.
HE-ELP!
Somebody come quickly!
By heck, that's a noisy dog.
HELP!
(Good heavens, a whole platoon!)
Oh, I do hope you're not too late.
Oh, she found the dog! What would be a suitable reward?
She'll have her own ideas on that.
I don't know who this wet gentlemen is, but I'm sure he'd appreciate a lift home.
And this one came out of nowhere, waving a dog.
Thank goodness you found the dog. I think she remembers me.
He looks sober now!
I feel sober.
Why this urge to go for a swim?
It was the dog.
She remembers me, I can feel it. I think I'm going to be good with dogs.
How am I going to explain this to Pearl?
Well, do what you always do - lie.
I daren't go home in this condition. I'll have to get dried first.
You'll soon get dry in the back of Wesley's Land Rover. Let nature do the trick.
I've always been a big believer in the power of nature.
I think I'd better get out here,
or I'll begin to be seen as the kind of person who enjoys male company.
Mmwah!
Thank you for your assistance. Mmmwah!
Please tell that gentleman, whoever he is,
that I do hope he'll soon be dry.
I haven't been kissed like that since I had my own police dog.
It's better if you stand closer.
Thank you for your assistance.
I've always had a warm spot for dog lovers.
I am quite new at the game, really.
Me, too, but here goes, anyway.
Mmmwah!
Is she kissing everybody?
Only the dry ones.
Barry! What are you DOING with that...person?!
It's what he HAS done. He's been extremely helpful.
Well, I wouldn't say...extremely.
You tend to meet other dog lovers.
Thank you.
Did you see all that?
And not one wrinkle!
She's still there. Well, what am I going to do now?
We'll get you dry in Norman Clegg's. But how am I going to get past Pearl?
Well, we'll create a diversion.
Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but you look very like a diversion.
I'm too cold for anything fancy.
No wonder tha wife left thee. Well, what's he supposed to DO?
He goes up to Pearl and engages her in conversation,
till we get you safely into Norman Clegg's. Conversation? Improvise, something off the top of your head.
Why would she want to talk about my cap?
You'll have to do it. You're faster on the tongue than he is.
Not necessarily so with Pearl. She can be very tricky, can Pearl. I'll vouch for that.
You'll think of something. You can lie as well as anyone.
Oh, I didn't know you cared(!)
I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. My grandma?
Why are they walking like that? Like what? Like that.
It evens the wear on the shoe leather.
Sorry to hear what about Grandma? I heard she were poorly.
She's been dead 15 years. Ohh, THAT bad?
..Oh, well, I can't hang about here all day talking.
You've no idea what a relief that is. Ta-ta.
Nearly dry.
They're going to want pressing.
Why are you looking at me? Well, HE'S never had a crease in his life.
I'm crease-resistant. I've been ironing ALL day.
Well, it looks like tha's going to be at it again.
I hate wet neighbours. Especially those who bring their friends. I'm not often wet!
That is a matter of opinion.
Oh, I didn't know she was going to kiss me. You just stood there!
You LET her kiss you! She kissed everybody. You're carrying on with a woman like that!
I'm not carrying on! And outside your own house!
What if the neighbours saw! All I did was walk the dog.
People'd never believe how tricky it is just walking a dog.
Do you think she'll notice?
I think it's a strong possibility, Howard.
I used to like this outfit.
Well, it certainly likes thee, the way it's clinging to thee.
Look, I can't go home like this!
What we need is another diversion. It's not going to help his sleeve length, is it?
No, but if we can distract Pearl, Howard can sneak in and get changed.
What about me? You don't have anyone to worry about.
Your wife ran off. You're alone in the world. You're lucky. You call THIS lucky?
What kind of diversion? He'll think of something.
He's got that kind of tricky mind. Flatterer!
What is it? Ssssh! Not a sound.
(What is it? Down there.)
Where is it? There! Can't tha see it?
What's up?
AAGH!
By heck, I enjoyed that. She's got softer parts than tha'd imagine.
What were you looking at, you idiot? I don't know. It was just a blur.
No! What were you looking at in the first place? I don't know.
Tha frightened it away. Oh, for goodness sake! ..Hey!
If tha feels like falling off any other walls, give us a shout.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd